Well, I'm fat again. 

I am on top of my industry, but I've been traveling so much that I haven't had time to watch my weight. Without sleep or exercise, I've turned into a blob - the most sought-after blob on the fucking Internet.

I am at a point unprecendented in my career. Everyone wants my ear, my time, my voice. But still and always, no one really wants me.

I was driven to sadness tonight when I realized that none of the men in my life truly love me and that I am approaching yet another birthday sad, fat, alone, and unhappy. There are many factors that would make me think otherwise, but truly...

Lately, sedatives have been my only friends. My confidantes. Ambien. Trazodone. Hydrocodone. OTC's. I've relied on a combination of booze and pills to put me to sleep. I don't know how to be happy as a woman or a person. I wish I could find the happiness in nothing.

One year ago, almost to the day, I took a bottle of Ativan, a bottle of OTC sleeping pills, a handful of Valium and a handful of Vicodin. I was so, so angry when I woke up. I kept ripping the IVs out of my arms. I never would have wished something as frustrating and terrifying as life upon someone as fragile and futile as myself.

Yet here I am.

Alone. Fat. Frustrated. Sad. Abandoned. Unloved.

When will they want me for me?